How to tell your boss you’re quitting:
1. Smoke Signals: leave something burning in a tepee shape on your desk or forming the word “Goodbye”–bonus points for leaving something outside his door.
2. Write a song: Songs are great ways to convey emotions, especially emotions concerning the years you spent working and struggling to suppress your inner rage and disappointment.
3. Dear John: write your boss a fabulous note on vellum parchment detailing the ins and outs of your psyche and why it will no longer function in your current workspace. Be sure to include what you think of various corporate policies. She may or may not appreciate your honesty, but, hey, you’ll be gone, anyway.
4. Tech-savvy Janet: A “Dear John” for the modern age, it can be a creatively embellished email filled with smiley faces and happy thoughts, or it can be a simple note on the company facebook account. Text messages, however, are not recommended, since sending “I quit 😉 ‘Ritas r on me!!!!!” as a group text can be misconstrued as unprofessional.
5. The Phone Game: Calling in sick is one thing, but calling in permanently out of commission? Well, it can’t hurt until you try. Then, it may hurt a great deal.
6. The Great Escape: Just leave and never come back. Get a new phone and mailing address. Also, don’t expect a reference.
7. The Down & Dirty Nitty Gritty: Plunge headlong into the abyss and tell your boss face to face how you really feel. Maybe not the whole, unvarnished set of feelings, but enough of them to show this isn’t a trick and you are very sorry–or not, your choice–and can no longer work with him. Either he will be upset yet understanding and wish you well, or he will tell you to take your box and consider your final two weeks unpaid vacation.
**While the last option is the most difficult, it is generally the best and most rewarding choice.**