Every time I talk about procrastinating, my boyfriend reminds me, “Procrastination is like masturbation. In the end, you’re only screwing yourself.” While it is true, a constant lack of completion despite working on projects can make working difficult. See the gif below for my current state. I have a short essay due tomorrow in a class where I feel I am constantly on the cusp of being behind. I also have over 200 videos to analyze for my thesis, and I have to make sure my partner reviews them, too. I haven’t balanced my checkbook in almost four months, and I may say “forget it. I’ll start over with the bank’s numbers,” because the balance is so off.
I decided I need to finish booking my Australia trip in order to cross it off the list. I have other things to do, but it’s getting to the zero hour for booking. I can write my ethnomusicology review after.
Also, I have decided pursuing a PhD in ethnomusicology isn’t for me. While I love foreign places and music, I think spending another three or four years in school is something I do not want to do. I want to see the world. Maybe after I work for a few more years I will go back to school for a PhD in one of my areas of interest, but right now, I need a break. I would also like to be financially independent.
I keep finding new ways to procrastinate. I say, “I’ll check the news online, then work” or “Let me finish cleaning, then I’ll practice.” I do eventually accomplish my goals, but I feel guilty about taking time to do other things. I don’t have a fixed schedule because every week is different. I suppose the best thing I can do is continue working and finish by a deadline, even if it is at the last minute. I become tense and irritated and don’t feel satisfied with the finished product, but I know I can do it if I try.
Break away from the wave of mutilation!
Part of why I procrastinate with my personal projects is fear of rejection and failure. I have to remember, if you don’t fall you never learn to walk. Pushing ahead to the goal is the only way of reaching it, even if you fall in a few valleys or cross the wrong roads along the way.
I’m still sort of scared of playing music for my boyfriend. He really wants to hear me, though, and I think he’s a little irritated that I won’t play for him. I want to, and maybe letting him see me mess up is good. If he can watch me play and not be the best thing since sliced bread, maybe I can play for other people who know more about music without going to pieces. By the way, I mean playing guitar. I play saxophone with a few groups, so I’m mostly comfortable with it. I still feel like the other small combo people judge me a bit. I need to push them out of my mind and only worry about what I am doing. Forget those other people.
I used the queue encoder for Adobe Premiere Pro for the first time! I can’t believe I waited this long to try it out. I can continue work in Premiere or other programs while it renders and exports videos. Whoot!
Also, today I learned yet again how prone I am to procrastination. Honestly, it’s terrible. However, I still wasn’t as late as my classmates on writing their papers, even though I felt mine was subpar. I’ll get there eventually.
I’m surprised to say, I love teaching. It’s fun, and I feel like I learn as much from it as my students. Sure, everything doesn’t go exactly as planned, but I learned how to roll with the punches and modify my lessons and goals based on what happens in the classroom. Teaching also caused me to reassess my own behavior and see where I can improve my life. I think I can be happy teaching, researching, and writing/creating art. It’s amazing to watch people as the lightbulb clicks in their head and they understand how to do something. Sometimes less than pleasant experiences emerge, but that’s true in any field–even ones you love.
Teaching is a way I can make a difference, one life at a time.